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Jacob Keyes
Early life and the UNSC 'Captain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes AKA The Muffin Man ' was born on Uranus, where he was born and raised by Drinols. Captain Keye's mother was a Drinol whore and got impregenated by Captain Captain James Cutter( Captain Keye's real father), Then 9 momths later Captain Keyes was born and Cutter ran as far away from Uranus as possible. Early life for Keyes was difficult for coming to terms with being only half Drinol and his step father was a very horney Drinol who beat and molesteded him every day. Captain Keyes left Uranus at the age of 17 to join Nipple Academy, being the only none Grunt there, he was targeted by Grunt bullies. After two long years of being bullied by Grunts, Keyes changed his mind about joining the Covenant and instead joined the UNSC. Captain Keyes climbed through the ranks of UNSC Navy and got his own ship called the Sponge Bob Square Pants. Captain Keyes got bored one day and had a one night stand with Catherine Halsey resulting in the birth of Miranda Keyes (also known as Johnson's bitch) a quarter Drinol. This explains how Miranda was able two hold both a shotgun and pistol (this pissed off a lot of Noobs resulting with them throwing their controlers at their Tvs). Over Alpha Hula hoop A couple of years later the UNSC planet You Can't Reach Your Willy was atacked by the Covenant so Keyes fled with Master Chief, some retarded marines, Sergeant Johnson and Cortana in the Pillar of Autumn. Drifting through space the crew of the POA (Pillar Of Autumn) came across somthing it was the first Hula-hoop ring. Later the Covenant atacked the POA forcing the POAs crew to leave but being the retard as he was Keyes decided to stay. The POA crashed on Alpha Hula Hoop's surface amazingly Keyes didn't die, most likely due to the fact that he was half Drinol.Keyes was later captured because he asked a Jackhole for directions. Later on the Covenant ship the The Truth and Retardation, Captain Keyes was being held captive he was later rescued by the Master Chief but he took all the credit and they both escaped , because the Chief was intelligent and decided giving the Spirit's control to Keyes was safer than to the hands of the retarded marines, knowing they would crash it into a tree. Contact with the AIDs The next day Captain Keyes went looking for Covenant weapons with Sergeant Johnson and his marines. But instead were atacked by the Aids. Resulting in the the transformation of Keyes into a Aids beachball. Later on board The Truth and Retardation, Master Chief found the Aids beachball of what keyes had become. He punched Captain Keyes's face for his Neural Shoelace whitch enabled Chief and Cortana to blow up the Pillar of Autumn somehow and destroy Alpha Hula Hoop. His legacy His legacy lived on because his skin became a famous brand of Grunt toilet paper whitch lasted for centuries.